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tv   At Midnight  Comedy Central  January 23, 2014 12:01am-12:32am PST

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(cheers and applause). >> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody. good nigh captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh test. >> this clip from south beach blew up on world star hip-hop amassing a 1 million views in 24 hours, in the clip our hero bernice trying to repossess a car but having a little bit of trouble. let's take a look. >> i don'tcare. >> i'm backing up. >> you ain't going nowhere. >> which one is left.
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>> (laughter) >> all right, all right. it's all just take a breath for a minute. i believe the reality of this show to be questionable. so i'm sure whatever bernice or her professional acting name is fine. so assuming that bernice actually did fall off a two storey parking structure, comedian, what would web md advise bernice to do. sean o'connor. >> take a beat and avoid further bumpers. (laughter) >> annie lederman. >> this is web md, it's obviously cancer. everything is cancer. >> yes! oh my god, it's the worst. they should rename it enjoy your everything is cancer on that site, yes. julian. >> everything looks fine, luckily you landed on your body. (laughter) okay. excellent.
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that is-- (applause) >> that is all very compelling advice. let's find out if she took any of it. >> bernice! >> i thought you were dead. (laughter) >> nope. it's time to start @midnight. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central hello, i'm chris hardwick, welcome to @midnight the world that shows social media for our come comedians to friday into a joke. co-head lining the bria improv january 26th. sean o'connor. (cheers and applause) >> okay, okay, okay. sean, sean, sean. you totally just gotten gauged. sean, sean, sean. what was the majic moment like when you updated your facebook profile. >> oh my god.
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i have never gotten more likes for anything i've ever done in my entire life. >> performing at hollywood improv january 25th, youtube is sausage party weren'ts it's annie lederman. (cheers and applause) well, if you guys play-- you might know thattinie did the voice of sheryl for dj 5, did-- what kind of things did you get to say a trillion times over and over and over again. >> well, i actually got to say my favorite word in the whole world. i said butt hole. we were just ripping, it was me and jb smooth and i just asked him if ant its crawled up into his butt hole and they kept it in. >> are you allowed to name drop him into the game. co-head lining the bria improve january 26th with sean o corner, by the way, it's julian mccullough. (cheers and applause)
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i don't-- you wasted an opportunity to promote something entirely different because we already promoted the bria a improv. >> yeah, but i-- i'm not actually booked on it. that was me putting the pressure on the brea improv to put me on the show. >> let's begin the game, ripped it from today's internethead lines it's rapid refresh. (applause) the first comedian to buzz in with the correct answer gets 100 points. right now the east coast is under attack from winter storms janus. was that the one that rudolph goes to visit in the stop motion animated christmas-- [bleep] you guise for being 25 or under. the first major casualty of the storm is new york's iconic apple store. seen here in this instagram photo, oh no, you guys, one of the giant glass windows was shattered today when it was reportedly struck by a snow blower which the snow blower may or may not have said microsoft on it.
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which of the following twitter reactions is real. a, maybe they'll just used it cracked until the 2 year contract runs out and qualifies for a new cube. (laughter) they should have gotten the apple care, paid extra to get the apple care. b, lucky it just cracked. it could have been worst, they could have dropped it store in the toilet. see, they better not close the genius bar, my toddler's second ipad is acting glitchy. yes, july yan. >> a too funny to be real, b. >> let's find out. the correct answer was, in fact, a. >> that is like supernew york. i love that. >> that is absolutel absolutely-- qualifies you for a new cube, suck on that, ass [bleep] how do you like if your [bleep] breaks for no reason. the video clip from india got talent was global-- trending globally. what type of performance produced this rea action.
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from the india's got talent judges. was it a, a man juggling his newborn triplets. (laughter) b, a husky boy dressed as a soldier doing the splits. c, a grandma grinding on a gay tiger. (laughter) >> i think all tigers are gay. yes, sean o'connor. >> b, because i've seen this like 25 times today. and it's amazing. >> yes, the correct answer is b, there it. >> just in case you guys have trouble conceptualizing things with words, let's see what that looked like. (cheers and applause) >> okay. that's a lot of exercising. i'm proud of that kid. >> that little boy is morbidly adorable.
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>> he looks like he's in bollywood's up. >> i will give you 100 points for that, sean o'connor. all right, that's the end of rand i had refresh. it's time for tonight's hashtag wars. (cheers and applause) the winter x games started today in aspen. now with official events like snowboarding and unofficial like not getting crabs are from a hot tub, in honor of top's x games the hashtag is a really extreme sports. for example this might be lice climbing or snow mountain lion racing or dating a snowboarder. i'm going to put 60 seconds on the clock, ready, set and go. >> yes, annie. >> auto erotic asphyxiation gliding. >> yes, point, definitely. >> july yan. >> real big fishing, it's where you fish and listen to ska at the same time. >> both of those things but i will give you points. >> yes, sean. >> free base jumping for sure.
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>> dump ter diving because my parents are late, rollerblading isn't a a profession. >> point. >> some sports we're not comfortable with. sean o'connor. >> hard-core posing. >> is that just going up on somebody. >> yes, on the wall just posing. >> posing right there. >> i will give points, sure. >> annie. >> water boarding. >> yes, points! >> sean. >> knife sucking -- >> no points. >> yes, julian within the movie soft but a sport. >> yes, i will give you points for that,. >> sky dying. (laughter) >> they just fly you up top and you -- >> you just g you can jump off anything. >> points, that is the hend end of hashtag wars, send us your hashtags @midnight to keep the game going. we will be right more with more @midnight.
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>> welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play from your
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mother, thanks to auto correct mothers and text messaging is a very dangerous combination. comedians i will show you some prickly auto corrected texts mom sent their kids and for 250 points you ring in with a reply. let's different. >> your father burnt his penis in the microwave. burnt penis. why is this capitalized? (laughter) >> son, ah, man, are we having dad's dick for dinner again? >> let's find out, let's see the actual text. >> mom, burnt penis, what the heck, burnt pea corn. >> you mean popcorn. >> yes, p corn points to sean o'connor. >> momming i know dad cooks too fast but please stop calling your vagina the
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microwave. >> all right. next one, emotional and very horny. by the way, how are your shoulders and back feeling. just asking. >> annie. >> a lot worse since you told me this. >> let's see what the actual text said. >> i am literally going to kill myself after reading that. >> mom is like don't be crazy now, don't be crazy. >> mommy was just being a little emotional and horny for a minute. >> i feel like all of our moms feel like that after they read 50 shades of gray within that's what it was. that is totally what it was. we'll give you points for that. >> no one is paying attention to the person that they literally were going to kill themselves and then are dying. >> all right. next one, dick is coming in my vulva. dick is coming in my vulva, dick is coming in my vulva
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at 7:00. >> stop naming your sex toys after my uncle. >> let's see what the actual answer was. >> volvo, mom. >> yes, vulva. >> it's the safest vagina on the market. >> it really is. >> i drive a '97 cervix. >> points for that one, julian. >> don't clap at that. you are supporting bad behavior in puns. >> it's time for our next graham groupon groupoff. >> groupon offers items that you didn't know you needed at prices that you don't know if they are good or not. just that other people are doing it too. but we're going to test your savvy. i will read you two offers and for $250 point you can tell me which of the groupon sale and which is the one we made up. all right. here is the first one. it is 16.99 the cost of a pair of women's fluffy socks
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with pocket for your phone or a mold of your own vampire teeth kit. >> socks, socks. >> the correct answer is in fact women's fluffy socks with pocket for your phone. i'm so sorry. [applause] -- (applause) >> the crowd may or may not have let you down on that one. i couldn't understand a [bleep] word anyone was saying. next one, okay. which you can have for 9.99. a one-year subscription to garden & gun magazine or a pair of women's culottes. >> julian. >> a pair of women's culottes. >> no, one year subscription to garden & gun magazine. >> wow (applause) >> here you go, shoot the [bleep] out of that pie. >> all right, guys that is correct is the end of that round it is time for our first live challenge. yes, we pelican.
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(cheers and applause) this is huge breaking news. now i don't want to you get up set, you watched at midnight with any degree of regularity but grantland zack lowe is reporting that the new orleans pelicans are redesigning the head of their mascot pierre to make the pelican quote less scary. how dare you, new orleans! how dare you! you don't mess with perfection! >> hi, everybody, please don't let them take my head off. >> i have the perfect mouth size for pinching or devouring children. we want to start a petition right here on @midnight to save pierre. i want you to rush to your social media devices, twee tweet@pelicans nba with the #save pierre, yes, we pelicans yes we pelicans yes we pelicans. >> now, let's remember how pierre should be in this
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wonderful pic. >> oh, thirsty for blood. i cannot-- your nutrients, they're just sweat glands. comedians i would like to to please write the craigslist oord to pierre posted to lure his greatest-- latest victim. we'll be back with more
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>> welcome book @midnight, before the break i was the bearer-of-shockingly horrible news that the new orleans pelicans are planning to change pierre's head to make him less scary. >> don't let them kill me. >> so, i asked you to write -- >> and please don't look in my basement. >> i asked you guys to write the craigslist aad pierre posted to lure this guy to his fowl demise. what did you come up with? julian. >> french pelican seeking swm for stock play, don't worry no teeth, are you my whole fish. >> annie. >> flightless fury seeks plutonic friend, must send nude, no fatties jk only fatties. >> sean o'connor. >> let me taste your beard and i will grant you eternal life. >> all right. our that is a tough one, all right, a thousand points annie, 500 scott, 250 to july yan as we jump to our
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next game, it's time to play. (cheers and applause) >> named after saturated fats and food because it is guy fieri's birthday, you guys! (cheers and applause) guy fieri's birthday. so put on your smash mouth and drink up the wing sauce and put hair gel in your hair and diet and then put those glasses on thnd-- guy fieri is famous for creating dishes with names like slama jama pardon me gajah which doesn't technically rhyme or good karma schwarma. and i got the need, the need for fried cheese. all of those are 100% real. so in honor of this most holy of days and garlicky, i want you to name as many new guy fieri dishes as possible,
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for each one that makes the audience laugh will you get 2 point, 60 seconds on the clock and go. >> yes, annie. >> rob underwear. >> ten years away from my kids not talking to me any more ten alarm chili. >> yes, points. >> kill me slowf. the crowd wasn't with me on that one, no points. >> the the use wits that's a good burr outo-- burrito. >> i cannot in good conscience give you points for that. >> i should give points for that? >> okay, all right, the anti-semites who came to the show want you to get points. it's out of my hands america,ed audience decided. >> oakley fired goatee loined. >> nobody should know who i
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ham sandwich. >> fine. >> yes, july yan. >> girl dig cheese. >> that also would have been great, i will give you points for that. >> i deserve nothing crust pizza. >> that takes us to the end of that round and i see i'm so sorry, are you in third place which means that we have to-- eliminate you. you have any last words. >> make me look like an amsterdam hooker. >> that's good. put him in red lights. >> there you go. >> that's the joke. >> okay. (applause) >> i get it now. >> there you go, that is a good joke. >> thank you. >> i thought they were just going to put really big tits on you. >> i hope you guys are sitting down because it's for the win time. as we mentioned, east coat
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is getting snow blasted and it's causing major damage. people are getting really desperate. this is a really sad story. a baltimore man who is snowed in posted this drunken plea on craigslist. guys, it's snowing like a pitch outside, i have had a few too many and my [bleep] mobile can't make to the neighborhood taco bell in this weather. i need someone with four-wheel drive vehicle to come pick my drunk ass up, take me to taco bell drive-thru and drive me back home. then we can hang out and play video games if you are's not a rapist. (laughter) >> if you are a rapist, board game? i don't know-- comedians, please respond to this guy as someone interested in driving him to taco bell. we're going to have our comedians answer and name a winner when we come back on @midnight.
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wz welcome book @midnight this is the ultimate moment, it's time for for the win. i am a going to wipe your scores clean because it all comes down to this head-to-head challenge. i will read the answers aloud. i will not reveal oh that's
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so nice, you guys within we're brothers. >> i'm going to read those answers aloud without revealing who wrote them so that you guys, the studio audience here will get to decide who gets to emerge the winner. before the break i read you a craigslist post from a baltimore man who is taking the storm the hardest. we feel bad for him because he needs a ride to tago bell, it's snowing like a pitch, i have had too many and my mobile can't make it to the neighborhood taco bell in this weather. i need someone with four-wheel drive vehicle to come pick my drunk ass up, take me to taco bell drive-thru an drive me back home. then we can hang out and play video games if you are's not a rapist. so rapists need not apply. comedians, how did you respond to this posting? >> i usually eat t bell alone over the trash can but i'll hang with, don't worry nobody sects after crunch wrap, it's too messy. or this one.
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>> very interested, does acquittal count, your's truly could bee bryant. >> well, i think i got to give it to number two as per the audience. who was that, sean o'connor! you have won. congratulation, you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23.5 hours. i'm so sorry but thank you so much for joining me, a pleasure. see you guys tomorrow night. till then keep the games going @midnight with your #really extreme sports. i'm call me on the tweet, good night. captioning sponsored by - dude, these edm fests are insane, man. look at this, dude. we gotta go. i say we give up our rock star lifestyles and go straight electronic, dude. - uh, i don't know if i can sign off on that. i got a bunch of unplugged albums that i'm still spinning heavily. the alanis ones? unreal. - wow. god, though, look at these neon titties. they're blinding. that's, like, exactly how i'd like to go blind.